EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
ALEX is sitting at an outdoor cafe, lazily scrolling through her phone. She looks up and twists around in her chair as KATIE approaches from down the street, waving. Alex smiles and waves back, beckoning for her friend to join her. As she does so, we zoom into her pupil and are suddenly swallowed by inky darkness.
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
We find ourselves in a blackened void with a single, solitary spotlight shining down on a very strange desk. Half spaceship console and half ’70s accounting desk, its surface is crowded with an ‘IN’ and ‘OUT’ box, an incredibly heavy ledger, and an array of winking lights, switches and buttons. A small, waving cat with a scribbled sticky-note across its paws that reads ‘Hang in there!’ sits by a desk lamp. The ACCOUNTANT walks in, Alex’s doppelganger dressed like a classic, sweater-vested librarian from middle school. She’s sensible, irascible and already irritated, drinking deeply from a mug of double-black espresso coffee spiked with anxiety.
ACCOUNTANT
(Grimly, war-torn)
Alright, boys, let’s get this shit show on the road.
TITLE SCREEN
‘The Accountant’ slams across the screen with the sound of a hydraulic press, sparks fly and flames wash up the sides of the iron background, framing the nerdy librarian silhouette of The Accountant. The subheading reads ‘Saving Your Ass from Social Humiliation Since 1996.’
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Alex and Katie both lean casually over steaming mugs, a small plate of pastry nibbles between them.
KATIE
So, how was your weekend?
ALEX
Oh, you know...
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
The Accountant leans heavily over her desk, dead-eyeing a large screen that spans across the void and depicts Katie’s pleasantly curious face.
ACCOUNTANT
I know your games. You wanna play ball, motherfucker? Then we’ll play ball.
TODD
(OS)
Ma’am, isn’t she just asking us how we are?
ACCOUNTANT
Shut up, intern, that’s just what she wants you to think. But she can’t fool me.
The Accountant cracks her neck like a boxer getting ready for a bout in the ring, pulls out a clipboard and flips through a few pages.
ACCOUNTANT
Keep in mind, people, that we can’t give a ‘sad’ answer that makes us sound like we don’t do anything with our lives. But it also can’t be SO amazing that we sound better than everyone else. I need DYNAMIC VERBS. Dynamic verbs, people!
TODD
(OS)
How about, ‘nothing much, just relaxing’?
ACCOUNTANT
(scandalized)What?
TODD
(OS)
You know, nothing much. It’s very casual, very non-threatening, it’s just pretty relaxed.
The Accountant sighs a sigh of Atlas-like burden, steepling her fingers in front of her face.
ACCOUNTANT
Let me get this straight, Todd. You think we should say “Nothing much, just relaxing.” EVEN THOUGH we said that last week? Absolutely not! Get it together, that makes it sound like we don’t leave the house!
There’s the sound of flipping pages off-screen.
TODD
(OS)
What about our parents visiting?
The Accountant narrows her eyes, considering.
ACCOUNTANT Not bad, Todd, not bad. Family’s always an ace in the hole. Everyone loves hearing your mom’s coming to see you, it’s proof that you’re loved--Wait, SHIT! Scrap it, that’s not for two weeks, it’s too soon to talk about!
A small light on the console begins to blink. The accountant looks down at it like it’s the gun that killed Bruce Wayne’s parents.
ACCOUNTANT
Clock’s ticking people, I need topics NOW! Otherwise, our only options are ‘chores’ or ‘drinks with friends,’ aka the responses of NOODLE-SPINED LILLY PADS.
TODD
(OS)
Wait, ma’am, what about The Rio?
The Accountant pauses on the edge of a breakdown.
ACCOUNTANT
That restaurant downtown? Wait... Do we actually have plans for this weekend? That aren’t Dungeons & Dragons-related (type pops up that says ‘too nerdy’)or sleeping(type pops up that says ‘depressing if stated more than once’)?
TODD
Yes, ma’am.
ACCOUNTANT
Deploy it. Now. And watch the optics on this, if it sounds too good it’ll look like we’re bragging and she’ll hate us. Keep the awesome factor below THIS LINE.
The Accountant produces a large bar graph and points manically at a bold red line with a huge label that says ‘TOO AWESOME.’
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
KATIE
Well, it’s official then, drinks at the Rio later this week, we have to. But in the meantime, how was your vacation last month? It was way out west, right?
ALEX
Ohhh my god, it was incredible! The food, the beaches...
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
ACCOUNTANT
Remember, our vacation story canNOT be more extraordinary than the last story she told us. So, here’s the list of pre-approved topics we can discuss to show we’re interesting but also not bragging about ziplining while she had to work.
The Accountant passes a thin folio to a hand that sticks on-screen before both vanish. She then pulls out an antiquated stopwatch.
ACCOUNTANT
Ok, we’ve got precisely 17 seconds before we time out on her attention span. Keep it brief, cut out the tourist traps and we should be fine.
There’s a beat where the Accountant eyes the stopwatch, her eyes moving back and forth between the screen and the time as an additional, digital timer appears on-screen and Alex’s voice sounds throughout the void.
ALEX
...this experimental restaurant where everything’s deconstructed, and I mean EVERYTHING. The plates were just damp clay...
ACCOUNTANT (CONT.)
Good... Good... Steady...
The timer continues counting down.
ALEX
...And then I said ‘Come on, what kind of girl do you take me for? It’s no orgy without glowsticks.’
ACCOUNTANT (CONT.)
Three seconds left-- SHIT.
The timer hits zero and flashes red as Alex’s voice continues. The Accountant throws away the watch in a panic.
ACCOUNTANT
There it is, her eyes have glazed over! We’re boring her!
ALEX
Oh, and did I tell you about the improv jazz show we went to? It’s improv theater OVER smooth jazz! Best of both worlds, right?
ACCOUNTANT
Oh no, not the improv jazz show! Bail, bail, bail!
The Accountant slams down on a large red button on the console, and a klaxon resounds throughout the void.
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
ALEX
But hey, that’s enough about me, what about you?
KATIE
Ah well, I can’t complain, right? I’m actually really excited about lasertag this Saturday-- Speaking of which, you want to come?
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
ACCOUNTANT
Todd, calendar!
A disembodied hand sticks into the screen, handing off a calendar. The Accountant scans it quickly.
ACCOUNTANT
When’s the last time we said ‘no’ to an invite from her?
TODD
Er, two weeks ago, with brunch?
ACCOUNTANT
(Horrified)
Good god! That’s one time too many, I don’t care it’s grandma’s birthday, we can’t say ‘no’ to this!
TODD
But Grandma’s 103...
ACCOUNTANT
Todd, I don’t think you grasp the gravity of this situation. If we don’t agree to this, I might as well douse this bridge in lighter fluid now while you strike the match.
TODD
But-
ACCOUNTANT
(scribbling on the calendar)
We have to say yes to the next 20 engagements, or else this relationship’s good as dead.
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
The table has largely been cleared now, with only the remains of crumpled napkins left behind. A dapper WAITER approaches with the check, and Alex goes to reach into her purse.
KATIE
Oh no, don’t worry, I got it.
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
The Accountant is holding a giant dictionary of a ledger in her arms, fuming.
ACCOUNTANT
We’ve kept the tabulated balance of paying for movies, going out, and who pays for pizza at a solid equilibrium for six years, and now this CHUCKLEFUCK goes and RUINS the economy.
TODD
(OS)The whole economy?
The Accountant slams the book shut.
ACCOUNTANT
Well, that’s it, we’re in debt to her now. We have to get that taken care of in the next week or so or else we’re selfish assholes.
TODD
But didn’t we get her ice cream last week?
ACCOUNTANT
That doesn’t count, Todd. That was last week! We don’t already have something for her right now, which means we’re falling behind and need to reciprocate within the appointed deadline.
TODD
But, wait, isn’t friendship uncondition--
ACCOUNTANT
No! God, no, what do you think this is? Some kind of Disney movie? Fuck no, it’s simple social economics.
The Accountant pulls out a chart labeled ‘Love between friends’ vs. ‘Time between equal friendship debt’ that’s clearly trending down.
TODD
Oh...
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Katie and Alex stand, their chairs scraping across the pavement. As they begin to walk towards the busy street, Alex suddenly stops her companion. As she turns back to her, Alex hesitates, chewing on her lip.
ALEX
Actually, before you go... Can I talk to you about something?
KATIE
(concerned)
Of course, go ahead.
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
ACCOUNTANT
Woah, woah, woah-- What the hell is this? Are we thinking about telling her we’ve had a hard week at work? Oh ho ho, you can bet my gartered butt we’re not! We already met our quota for emotional breakdown support three months ago.
TODD
(OS)
And how many was that?
ACCOUNTANT
None.
TODD
(OS)
Oh, er... Ma’am, couldn’t we submit an inventory request to raise that ceiling?
ACCOUNTANT
Nope, request DEFINITIVELY denied. We don’t know Katie!
TODD
We’ve been friends for seven years...
ACCOUNTANT
Exactly! Who’s to say she won’t show us her true colors now? She might think we’re being too emotional! Or worse, she’ll pity us! No, instead, I’ll just take these...
The Accountant goes to a far-too-beige fax machine, waiting as it spits out a few pages with an ancient scratching sound.
ACCOUNTANT (CONT.)
... Transcribe them into a couple sessions-worth of therapy notes...
The Accountant taps at her keyboard rapidly with a charming ding.
ACCOUNTANT (CONT.)
... And then just drop those here.
There’s suddenly a small, silver-doored chute in the Accountant’s void. She opens the silver door and roaring flames lick out, swiftly devouring the papers she dumps them in.
ACCOUNTANT (CONT.)
We’ll see those again in a year.
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
ALEX
You know... never mind, it’s not important. I’ll catch you up later, sound good?
KATIE
I mean... Ok, if you say so. I’m always here, you know.
ALEX
Yeah, I do. Go on, you’ve got a bus to catch.
Katie nods, gives Alex a quick smile, then strolls up the street. Alex watches her go, a thousand-yard stare trailing her back.
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
ACCOUNTANT
Thank god I’m here; think of all the protocols we might’ve violated.
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
As she watches Katie go, Alex’s eye twitches.
INT. – VOID – NIGHT
ACCOUNTANT
Well done, boys-- Yes, even you, Todd-- all in a good day’s work of emotional stability. That could’ve been a disaster.
EXT. – COFFEE SHOP – DAY
ALEX
Well, shit.
End.
