INT. OFFICE – DAY
ALEX and REESE sit in their cubicles at work, REESE slowly munching on a tortilla while ALEX paces, waving an apple slice for emphasis.
ALEX
... And that’s why Ditzy-Doo’s heroic journey is framed not around a classic quest of epic proportions, but of the mundane, showing how we all both are and are not heroes in our own right.
REESE
I dunno Alex, I think maybe appleslap69 just wanted a smut fic between Ditzy-Doo and Discord.
Alex smiles indulgently and strolls back to her desk, very self-important.
ALEX
Oh, Reese, Reese, Reese – You would think that, being one of the plebeian masses who only reads for pleasure. But I--
The room cuts to black, then back again – Alex is now wearing a plaid sweater vest, half-moon spectacles and is holding a whole apple. A pile of too-large, gold-embossed books now sits on her desk.
ALEX --was an English major.
REESE
(nonplussed)
Isn’t that why everyone reads books?
ALEX
That’s just what a plebeian mass would say.
REESE I mean, even if it’s for the pleasure of learning or the pleasure of escapism, it’s still...
ALEX
HARK!
Now there’s a blackboard behind Alex’s desk and she’s holding a wooden pointer. The chalkboard is covered with the words ‘Life,’ ‘Love,’ and ‘Meaning in an uncaring cosmos.’
REESE
Ah, what the fuck?
ALEX
(gesturing with the pointer)
Literature is the way by which we understand the human condition. It is how we reflect on the nature of being, the consequences of our actions, and the ultimate fulfillment of the self. It is Art, if only one has the will to see it.
REESE
And you know this, how?
Alex turns around from facing the board, now puffing on a Sherlock Holmes pipe.
ALEX
Through fastidious study and piercing analysis. Artists always leave clues in their great works as to the nature of that work.
REESE
Oh, you mean like imagery--
We cut back and forth between Alex and Reese for each word, with Alex in increasingly stupid or pompous poses each time, chalkboard and pointer involvement optional.
ALEX
Yes!
REESE
--diction--
ALEX
Yes!
REESE
--and all that thematic shit?
ALEX
Precisely!
REESE
Right...
ALEX Now you understand.
REESE
(Slow dawning)
Yeah!
ALEX
(at the same time as Reese)
I’m a visionary!
REESE
(at the same time as Alex) You’re a conspiracy theorist!
There’s a quick beat as Alex and Reese look at each other.
ALEX
No!
REESE
I mean, basically.
ALEX
You can’t possibly align my analysis with internet trolls!
REESE
Why not?
ALEX
My work is academic and focused on evidence, data, and observation.
REESE
Oh, so you mean evidence that anyone can readily observe and make connections with?
ALEX
If they try, yes!
REESE
I mean, lots of people can do that with QAnon, too.
ALEX
No, no, that’s not true. They’re just pulling clues from a made-up source they can never truly validate!
REESE
That’s literally what fiction is.
ALEX
(imperious)
I demand evidence. Cite your line and page numbers!
Reese sighs and gets up from her lunch, moving to the chalk board. Alex sits on her desktop, the very image of a disapproving professor.
Reese starts listing bullet points on the chalk board as she talks.
REESE Well, you’ve got the obsessive focus on the smallest details...
Alex looks up from peering at a book with a pair of multi-lensed eyeglasses.
ALEX Go on.
REESE
...Intuitive leaps that you can’t really verify, ‘specially if your author’s dead...
Alex is drawing a satanic summoning circle on her desk in hot sauce.
ALEX Temporarily dead.
REESE
And the deeply held conviction that your conclusions are right even if no one else can see it.
ALEX See, that’s just because you don’t understand it yet--
REESE
(cuts her off)
And... the obsession with yarn and cork board maps.
Alex shoves a conspiracy cork board covered in pictures and red yarn out of the screen.
ALEX You leave my ‘Ulysses’ theory board out of it.
REESE
Face it my dude, you’re a book nerd conspiracy theorist.
ALEX
(exploding)
No, I’m NOT! How can you construe my carefully constructed, scholarly analysis of literature as an attempt to explain an event or circumstance as the result of a plot by a powerful, nigh unknowable force? I don’t see it! Ergo, these words you keep using, they can’t mean what you think they mean!
A beat passes in stunned silence.
REESE
Plus the inability to say anything without paraphrasing somebody else.
Alex throws up her hands with a disgusted sound and both Reese and Alex plop down at their desks, the chalkboard, sweater vest, pointer and glasses vanishing in an instant.
ALEX
Ugh, I guess you’re right. I really AM just boiling down a complex reality into the parts that prove my point.
REESE
Hey, but that’s not a bad thing! In our incomprehensible universe of arcane causality and moral relativism, we all do what we have to do to make sure our time on earth doesn’t feel wasted, that our hours are meaningful. Even if that means arbitrarily assigning meaning to what’s important to us.
ALEX
(More hopeful)
You know, you’re right! It’s all just about what inspires you.
REESE
Exactly! A little imagination never hurt anyone.
(There’s a satisfied beat.) REESE gets up from her desk and stretches.
REESE
Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go interrogate our city council about the sex-trafficking pedophiles who shadow-run our government.
ALEX
Are you kidding me!?
End
