EXT. PIRATE SHIP – DAY
We see a heavy, booted heel step onto the deck of a weather-weary ship and PAN UP the roguish, scallywag form of CAPTAIN READ (female), a classic pirate captain who scans the treacherous horizon with a practiced eye.
CAPTAIN READ
There she be, Skivvy. Sawtooth Cove.
SKIVVY, a tough, salty buccaneer and Captain Read’s trusted first mate, steps up by the captain’s side.
SKIVVY
Aye, cap’n.
CAPTAIN READ
The most treacherous cove to have ever broached these waters, said to play home to haunting sirens and their tantalizing melodies.
Captain Read abruptly turns to Skivvy, handing them a rope, and the color palate of the scene shifts from a serious hue to one of more natural, brighter colors.
CAPTAIN READ
Right, tie me up, Skivvy.
SKIVVY
Ay-- Wait, what?
CAPTAIN READ
We sail into those waters, you plug your ears with wax, and if I respond to their song, the answer is clear!
SKIVVY
The answer to what?
CAPTAIN READ
If I be gay!
Captain Read and Skivvy move towards the mast of their ship, and Captain Read starts attempting to wind the rope about herself while Skivvy blatantly undoes her work. This Sisyphean cycle continues while they talk.
SKIVVY
How now, Captain, surely there must be a better way to--
CAPTAIN READ
Not at all! Listen, I’ve been going back and forth on my sexuality for years! But I’m too cowardly to try and smooch a bonnie lass OR a strapping lad! I promise ye, sailing hundreds of miles into monster-infested, storm-tossed waters is the easiest way.
SKIVVY
Easiest way? Captain-- hang on, you can’t just kiss someone to see if you’re gay.
CAPTAIN READ
(Freezes, struck by revelation))
You’re right! I’d best be practicing first!
Captain Read stops struggling with the rope and stumbles to the railing of the ship, dangles herself over the edge, dunks her hand into the sea and pulls out a fish.
CAPTAIN READ (CONT.)
Right, pucker up, matey.
SKIVVY
What? No! Give me that!
Skivvy snatches the fish and slaps the captain.
SKIVVY (CONT.)
Listen, if ye don’t want to take a turn with men, just tell the crew that and see if it feels comfortable.
CAPTAIN READ
No! What if I come out now, and I’m wrong? Plus, it’ll be so embarrassing! What’ll the crew think? How can they trust me to swing the cannons if I don’t know which way I swing?
The captain struggles to her feet and strides over to a small tin box on a barrel. Snapping it open, she pulls out a ball of wax and starts to heat it over the flame of a hanging lamp.
SKIVVY
(Changing tactics)
Right, there be a safer way to do this – Let’s just take a Buzzfeed quiz!
Skivvy reaches into their belt pouch and produces a tightly rolled scroll and a stick of charcoal. Unrolling it, the scroll is easily several feet long.
CAPTAIN READ
(mulish)
Well, I suppose it cannae hurt.
SKIVVY
That’s the spirit! Question 1: Do ye like cats?
CAPTAIN READ
Aye! I love him, he just don’t love me.
CUT TO: Shot of ship’s cat licking its butt on Skivvy’s lap.
CAPTAIN READ (CONT.)
(whispers)
Traitor.
SKIVVY
Don’t be catty, Captain, just ’cause yer sore he likes me best. Now, how do ye feel about plaid?
CAPTAIN READ
Amazing, I purchased 10 bolts when we last sailed the Celtic coast. Don’t know what happened to the bagpipes, though...
SKIVVY
Me. I happened to the bagpipes. How do ye feel about beanies?
CAPTAIN READ
(Suddenly serious)
Nothing replaces this captain’s hat. Ever.
SKIVVY
I know, but how do ye feel--
Captain Read draws her sword.
CAPTAIN READ
EVER.
SKIVVY
Right you are, Captain. Er...
Skivvy shuffles through the scroll.
SKIVVY
How long does it take ye to move in with yer paramour?
CAPTAIN READ
Ye mean to sign a crew? The crown’s hangin’ ’em as fast as I can hire ’em. Two days.
SKIVVY
Right! Here be the verdict!
A drumroll sounds as the two pirates lean forward in anticipation.
SKIVVY (CONT.)
“Results inconclusive, please try again later.”
CAPTAIN READ
DAVY’S JONE’S TITS, MOTHERFU--
Skivvy rolls the scroll back up, shaking their head.
SKIVVY
They just don’t make these like they used to.
CAPTAIN READ
Blast it all, tie me up, a storm’s comin’ and the sirens’ll want to run us onto the rocks at any moment.
Captain Read stuffs two balls of wax into Skivvy’s ears and makes for the mast. Skivvy follows her, trying to dig the wax from their ears.
SKIVVY
Run us onto the rocks?! Can’t we just head back to Tortuga and--
CAPTAIN READ
No! I’m tired of putting time and effort and thought into something I should just know! I want to know who I am NOW.
Captain Read hauls the ropes back around her torso and begins to feverishly knot them, the wind picking up around the two pirates as the sky darkens. Skivvy sighs and places their hands on their captain’s, halting their movement.
SKIVVY
Listen, figuring out who ye are and what ye like can take years. It be very difficult in a society that prizes sexuality and romance as much as the gold of a thousand galleons.
Captain Read listens, but still has a pained expression on her face.
SKIVVY (CONT.)
But there’s no rush. Take yerself at the pace you need, however the wind blows. Who knows, ye may find ye like no one, or everyone, or anything in between. But I’ll be at yer back no matter what, Captain.
Captain Read sags, and the ropes all slide to her feet all at once. Both she and Skivvy make their way to the deck railing once more.
CAPTAIN READ
Aye, ye be right, Skivvy – I’m sorry I dragged us all the way out here to risk our lives for a siren song.
At that moment, a silver-tailed, sharp-toothed, absolutely drenched MERMAID hauls herself up so she’s leaning on the deck.
MERMAID
Actually, even though we’re enchanting monsters, we’re also all about consent. You won’t respond to our song until you know what you want.
SKIVVY
Oh. Well, that be progressive.
MERMAID
But though my song won’t work, my arms will.
She hisses and latches on to Captain Read’s legs, and both pirates scream.
End.
