INT. HOME – DAY
The world is framed in black and white as a WOMAN stands in a hallway, juggling a variety of holy symbols and texts in comically bad fashion.
The Woman suddenly freezes in the frame, just on the verge of spilling her armload to the floor. The SALESPERSON strolls on to screen, slick, friendly and dressed in a clean polo and khakis.
SALESPERSON
Do you feel disaffected about the faith that comforted you as a child? Have the beliefs you grew up with inevitably failed to survive your adult expectations in an ever-more-complex world, sending you into a dark night of the soul? We’ve seen it all:
As the SALESPERSON speaks, images fly into sight like they were made from a fifth-grade PowerPoint, each corresponding to the Salesperson’s dialogue. They depict an article on clerical sexual misconduct allegations, a person in bed hitting the snooze alarm, a headstone and a person shrugging.
SALESPERSON
Corrupt officiates. Being too tired to get up on service days. The cold hand of mortality. The inability to justify why bad things happen to good people save that there is no god.
The images and the salesperson disappear, cutting back to the Woman, who unfreezes, her armload tumbling out of her reach as she looks on in utter exasperation.
SALESPERSON (VO)
Well, don’t you worry your pretty little everlasting soul!
The Woman looks up hopefully.
SALESPERSON (VO)
Come on down to FaithsRUs, where you can explore the various systems that govern the morality and intrinsic beliefs of the entire goddamn world!
There’s a shower of sparkles and the screen snaps into color.
EXT. FAITHSRUS – DAY
The Woman stands before FaithsRUs, staring delightedly up at a monolithic, Walmart-type superstore. The Salesperson swings open the door with a benevolent, customer-service smile, welcoming her in.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
We follow the Woman and the Salesperson as they step into a department store, the sparkling aisles covered in holy texts, religious relics and banners, and the occasional burning bush or floating avatar. A few people browse the shelves as the Salesperson shows the Woman around.
SALESPERSON
Here at FaithsRUs, we know that research and soul-searching sucks ass and you don’t want to do any of that shit, you just want your governing moral code handed to you on a silver platter. Luckily, we have more than enough options to satisfy even the most nit-picky spiritualist.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – SHELVING – DAY
The scene changes in a sweep. The Salesperson and the Woman stand before a tall shelf, various colors of light shining down on their faces.
SALESPERSON
With our flexible pricing plans, you can choose to devote yourself to one god in a pantheon or the entire pantheon, including the following:
White type flies quickly across the screen, listing Areg, Vanatur, Anansi, Jengu, Isis, Ra, Belenus, Thor, Zeus, The Crawling King, Vishnu and Abenaki.
SALESPERSON
Or, for 6.66 a month, you can mix-and-match!
We pan over and see a Build-A-Bear area where people pluck out the heads and bodies of different gods and stuff them full of glitter powder.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – FOREST – DAY
The Salesperson and the Woman stroll from the pantheon shelves over to a wall covered in trees, vines, and fake turf. A young couple crouches by a tree, speaking intently and silently to a line of ants, while another man stands silently with his eyes closed in the dappled ‘sunlight’ of the trees.
SALESPERSON
We also cover natural spirit reverence, including the belief that everything has a soul that must be respected.
WOMAN
Hm, I’m not sure I’m ready for that much choice. Do you have any simpler options?
SALESPERSON
Of course! Let’s head over to the monotheism department.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – SINGLE DISPLAY – DAY
They walk to a new section of the store, which seems a bit sparser and reflects mostly white light instead of the riot of color from the polytheism aisles.
WOMAN
Seems kinda austere after the first one...
SALESPERSON
It is! These ones are for people who insist ketchup is the only valid condiment for everything. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have any choice at all. If One True God is more your style, we offer plenty of omnipotent, all-knowing, all-seeing deities.
More words scroll by, including: The Dude, Three That’s Actually One, Bacon, The Almighty, The Everlasting King, The Creator, the Lorde Mine Gode and the Lorde Mine Gode Lite – (The Nice One, you know, without the flood and human sacrifice and shit).
WOMAN
A lot of those... sounded kind of the same.
SALESPERSON
Oh, yes! You’ll find that in a fair amount of monotheistic faiths; there’s a lot of overlap.
WOMAN
Oh, so they probably work pretty well together, right?
SALESPERSON
Absolutely not!
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – PHARMACY – DAY
There’s another swipe transition and the Salesperson and the Woman walk towards a pharmacy-like counter with a large calendar hanging beside it.
SALESPERSON
Now, when choosing your faith, it’s important to pick holy days that work around your busy schedule so you can take as many ‘personal holidays’ off of work as possible.
WOMAN
Nice, I love pretending worshiping from my bed is totally valid when I’m actually just hungover.
SALESPERSON
That’s the spirit! Your options for holy days include--
(The salesperson gestures to circled days on the calendar)
Saturdays, Sundays, the entire weekend, Leap Day and days that only occur once every five years when the planets align with the full moon.
WOMAN
Wow! I’m never going in to work again!
SALESPERSON
We’re counting on it!
The Woman and the Salesperson move from the calendar to the pharmacy counter, where the Salesperson taps a small call bell, summoning a TECHNICIAN in a lab coat and goggles bearing a tray with a plate of communion wafers, wine and a pile of kindling.
SALESPERSON
For an extra fee, we even provide offerings that you may use for your chosen service days, from tiny, tasteless wafers and wine to burnt offerings.
WOMAN
(startled)
Wait, you don’t mean like-
(she mimes stabbing herself)
SALESPERSON
Oh, no, no, we don’t offer those options after the 70s.
(long stare into the abyss, with an abrupt flip back to a cheery demeanor like flipping on a light)
Well, unless you’re interested in the ‘other side.’ Those shelves are in the basement, buuuut I suggest you look through our upper floors first. Oh, you’ll love what’s next...
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DOORS OF DEATH – DAY
The Salesperson and Woman walk past line of doors, with multiple people standing outside of each one. One of the doorways has two staircases inside it, one going up into white light, the other descending into flickering flames. Another is filled with blue light; whenever someone steps inside, they crawl out as a baby or an animal drowning in their old clothes, and the third opens into a blank, black void. There’s distinctly fewer people by this door.
SALESPERSON
We pride ourselves on offering multiple afterlife options, from your classic ‘heaven-and-hell’ package, to the reincarnation subscription or the absolute void.
WOMAN
Oh...
The Woman pauses, staring at the black door.
SALESPERSON
That one comes as at a flat, one-time payment.
The Woman nods absently, her eyes slowly widening as she stares at the door and a deep silence descends.
SALESPERSON
(Slightly muffled, carefully guiding her away)
Oop, careful now, people tend to get lost in that one...
WOMAN
(Snapping back, sound returns)
Right, right, lots to see...
INT . DEPARTMENT STORE – LIBRARY – DAY
This time, there’s a star wipe transition. The Woman stops, pointing towards an impossibly tall shelf crowded with books.
WOMAN
What are all those?
SALESPERSON
The atheism section-- Ooh, ready to take responsibility for your own actions, are you? Spicy.
They approach the shelves, the Salesperson moving ahead to pull several thick, dust-laden tomes out to pile them in the Woman’s arms.
SALESPERSON (CONT.)
Our basic starter kits include virtue ethics, consequentialism, deontology, and nihilism. We’ve got a discount on that last once since March of 2020 due to popular request. It’s crazy! They just fly off the shelves!
WOMAN
(Struggling under the weight)
Have you got anything with less-- I don’t know-- heft to it?
The Salesperson hums thoughtfully to themselves, then pulls out what looks like a picture book in soothing, gradient colors.
SALESPERSON
Well, we’ve got the you’re-not-religious-just-spiritual line.
The Woman drops all the other books with a heavy thud to take the picture book.
SALESPERSON (CONT.)
This one comes with five free Instagram filters and mindfulness mantras.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
The scene transitions one last time with a diagonal wipe.
SALESPERSON
So, what do you think? Are you ready to make a purchase?
WOMAN
Hm... What were the options downstairs again?
SALESPERSON
Oh, you’re one of those. Ok, you’re gonna need these...
The Salesperson turns behind them and pulls out a long black robe, a pentagram necklace, a knife and a small, bleating baby goat.
WOMAN
Aw, how cute!
SALESPERSON
(smiling fondly)
Yeah, he’s gonna be fine.
(Stage whispering to the viewer)
He’s not.
END
